Reflection and irony

I've been in deep thought for much of the day today. Where was I at this very moment a year ago? This has been the question in my head for about the past 24 hours. At 6:19 a.m. one year ago, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy. Nearly every element of that day is extremely vivid in my head and I've been reflecting on the amazing thing that happened in our lives a year ago. I can't believe it's been a year already.

I cried last night when I put Jeremiah down because I felt like I was putting a baby down that would wake up as a big boy. I know it doesn't really happen that way but it was symbolic for me. Perhaps that's my main reason for thinking about his birth so much today. My memories of that day will be what I have to carry forward even if he is a "big boy".

Now to the irony - I picked up my new birth control today. Granted, I'm not at all ready for another baby right now but it was another movement towards not being trying to conceive, pregnant or breast feeding. It felt like I was somewhat going against my maternal instinct. I could have picked any other day this week to pick up my pills but I did it today when I was already reflective and somewhat depressed (not really but I'm not sure what else to call it) about my son no longer being the little baby I brought home from the hospital. I guess that's the irony part, when I just wanted hold a little baby I was getting new pills to prevent that. I can't imagine what people feel like when they make the decision for permanent sterilization. That seems huge to me right now.